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November 02, 2019
9:04 AM - Ella’s Bellas
...We are ourselves only by the sum of our failures.*... up at 3:30 AM i discover when i get downstairs and look at the clock on the phone, should i stay up?, should i return to bed?, i choose the latter and sleep until 5:00 AM... S’s artist salon last night, good fun, good conversation, good food, i message her a thank you, for having it, for including me... all day yesterday fantasies about possibilities that don’t really exist, but the deep mind loves its possibilities which are endless but sometimes prepare the way for action... cold this morning, November turning out to be November... write first, walk later, seems to be working out as a way to cope with the schedule disruptions, looking forward to Chas ascending and descending stairs on his own, hope it happens, hope it happens soon... initially slow in here, then it grows P coming through the door i think?, no a woman i don’t recognize... lots of attention from D last night, seemed to really like me, seemed to really like the quince compote i brought, he suggested to me that now is the time to submit to his publication... i will, this week... need to put myself out there especially when a connection is made... the woman mistaken for P is sitting across from me now, zoftig femininity, fondling, caressing, her smartphone...
November 01, 2019
8:19 AM - Ella’s Bellas
… unhappy, angry, frustrated, not feeling well… P talks on his cell phone, i crave a place to go where nobody bothers me in any way… the world bumps and jostles when i least want it… how do i get back on track?… toy with the idea of getting a minimum wage job to make enough money to rent a studio… not sure what i would do… P, wish you would get off the goddamn phone… i am so depressed, why can’t i find the space to concentrate, to do the work?… it’s a day of misalignment, of frustration upon frustration, i hardly know how to cope with it, i hardly know how to find the space to be, the dissolution of the universe has the upper hand, more than usual, can there at least be some enlightenment to go with this frustration?…
October 31, 2019
8:55 AM - Big Mouth Coffee Roasters
... ugh!, music too loud, too insistent... up very early this morning, 3:30 AM, not sure why... continue to be unhappy about the flow of my days, wish i could accept, go with the moments, seems not to be much choice in the matter... i won’t be able to stay here long, music really sucks, can’t hear myself think... posted a couple of journal entries to tumblr, be interesting to see how that goes, keep thinking i need to move the 52 project to a different venue, a different place, a website of its own, tumblr, i don’t know... R, a fellow early morning walker, here too, brief chat about not liking to walk in the rain, for me it is mostly about the camera, don’t want to get it wet, maybe one day i will have a waterproof camera... a post about Brussels Sprouts, friends chiming in with favorite ways to prepare, yum... shouldn’t complain about the rain, we need it... Chas situation looking better, no pacing, panting, yelping episodes in almost a week, knock on wood... brief Google foray into the origins of knock on wood shows it to be a worldwide phrase meaning similar things wherever used, asking for the blessings of the good spirits that live in the wood, or distracting the evil spirits... create, create, whatever you(i) do, create, it is the only thing worth living to do... Life is what decomposes at every moment; it is a monotonous loss of light, an insipid dissolution in the darkness, without scepters, without halos.*...
*E. M. Cioran, A Short History of Decay
October 30, 2019
8:23 AM - Ella’s Bellas
... frustrated, normal routine broken due to Chas minding... a brief walk down MS and i am at EB’s before really going for a walk, i will do the walk after and see what that is like... who knows when breakfast/lunch will happen... i look forward to getting back to routine… maybe i should see what mixing up the routine does... impeachment inquiry proceeds, worries about government shutdown orchestrated by Trump who needs something, anything, to distract from impeachment... J says she saw me in BMCR yesterday, says she almost said hi but got shy, told her she didn’t need to be... Everything which deals with eternity inevitably turns into a commonplace.*... EMC arguing that we turn eternity into the banal and deny that we will join it at some point in time, we ignore the obvious fact of the meaningless of it all and fail as a consequence to give meaning to our lives, we live in daily, hourly denial that life is brief, eternity forever, or so those are the thoughts that enter my mind as i read... We cannot elude existence by explanations, we can only endure it, love or hate it, adore or dread it, in that alternation of happiness and horror which expresses the very rhythm of being, its oscillations, its dissonances, its bright or bitter vehemences.*... something consoling about Cioran’s desperation... We do not argue the universe; we express it.*... about the failure of philosophy to give us anything useful in the face of immensity...
*E. M. Cioran, A Short History of Decay
October 29, 2019
9:41 AM - Big Mouth Coffee Roasters
... busy in here, slept well, Chas continues to be episode free... walk along the river today, lovely fall colors, gray sky, flat lighting, many photographs, hopefully some will turn out... a number of articles from the liberal side posted this morning, one of which suggested that the DOJ investigation into Russiagate is not unreasonable, evidence that there is at least reason to be concerned about the deep state… uggh, that underlying sense of doom and gloom, of bad things waiting to happen continues to persist, i would love to go through a period of pure happiness and optimism but the prevailing conditions are head winds, i think i can, i think i can, is the best i can do at the moment... days start later and later, until we go off daylight savings, this weekend... my experiment with not being siloed in the information i share on FB is going well so far, some pushback from liberal friends who want me back in the silo, but in general, feedback positive...
October 28, 2019
8:56 AM - Ella’s Bellas
... depressed, a little hung over, big (water) weight gain... Chas without an episode for three days now, hoping it continues, should probably take him to the vet on Thursday or at least talk with the vet... continue to get pushback on my sourcing and article selections... i feel i am struggling, to focus, to stay on track, to exist, being knocked out of my routines by Chas is part of the problem, having no days where i can be by myself now is probably also part of the problem... S came to visit yesterday, she and H spent the whole day nattering, catching up... i want to make, every day, i want to make... why can’t i straighten myself out, ugh... i want to stop being unhappy with myself...
October 27, 2019
No one can correct God’s injustice or that of men: every action is merely a special, apparently organized case of the original Chaos. We are swept on by a whirlwind which dates back to the dawn of time; and if this whirlwind has assumed the aspect of an order, it is only the better to do away with us.*...
* E. M. Cioran, A Short History of Decay