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October 26, 2019
9:00 AM - Big Mouth Coffee Roasters
... slept downstairs on the camping mattress so Chas would not have to climb the stairs, would not have to be alone, the night went well, hoping for a good day with him... depressed, mildly, but still depressed, walking around with a feeling of sadness, trying to center myself, trying to be present to the day, trying not to sink in on myself... i keep wondering what anything i do amounts to, i have my ideas, i pursue them, don’t get much notice, i like my ideas, believe in them, but i realize that many of the things i do are not for short attention spans... some indication that my efforts to create a space where good information can flow through my FB page is getting some traction, people i respect are commenting on that and participating, people from different ends of the spectrum, all across the spectrum really, will be interesting to see if anyone else adopts the behavior i am modeling... long article on Liz Warren’s tax plans, couldn’t read it all, some question on constitutionality of wealth tax... yesterday, driving to get the car inspected, stopped across the street from an old house looking a little dilapidated, Rush Limbaugh blaring out his conspiracy theories, the deep state trying to undo Trump, from across the street i could hear this, wonder what the neighbors think... i guess i am done for the day...
October 25, 2019
1:29 PM - Friendly Honda Service Center
... a Chas back pain episode, feels like we are back to the beginning, so disappointing, i think we keep making the same mistake, let him be too active too soon, hard, he feels better, he wants to be more active, hopefully we will be quickly back to where we were... depressed, seems to be a condition of the period of time... a young woman carrying two boxes of Dunkin' Donuts, no thank you, got anything more healthy than that?, a woman gets up, another gets up, they go back to get donuts, my lunch says the first... i realize i don’t have my phone with me, that i don’t have access for moving money, that if the price tag is any more than $100 i’ve got a problem, why do some days go that way, why are they frustrating that way?... i will be sleeping downstairs again, can’t risk the stairs with Chas, i hate this... we are not going through a good period right now...
October 24, 2019
6:39 AM - 19 Dewindt St
... Chas whining at 2:30 AM, then 4:00 AM, i resist the first, give in to the second... yesterday spent in low level depression, H too, Chas has altered our routines, made it hard to do anything outside the house together, tonight we will go to friends for dinner, i worry about leaving him alone... lots of reading this morning, more on Elizabeth Warren’s programs and their cost... wondering about my shift to color photographic presentation, liking it but also wonder if it drains something from the photographs, black and white is an intentional step back from depiction of reality and towards infusion of that depiction with intended meaning, color photographs remain a step closer to reality and, perhaps, more difficult to infuse with intended meaning, but then, maybe meaning is overrated... there is the world, and i see it, i choose to photograph chunks of it, present them on line along with some thoughts typed the same day...
8:45 AM - Ella’s Bellas
... my gps attachment for camera doesn’t work, spent better part of hour trying to figure out, then read there is an app for that, will try it, want to start geotagging my photographs, i have long thought they should be titled by location... keep thinking about the photographic shift i am going through, so much enjoying color...
October 23, 2019
8:11 AM - Ella’s Bellas
... i sit at the antique table, i like the way it looks, but it wobbles, i am not in the mood for wobble so i move over to a more modern and stable table... a family has my usual table, it’s ok, they need the room... it’s Wednesday and H does not have to be taken to the train station, first day of what would have been work not being work, she is free, and a little happy/sad about that, her nursing career coming to a close... change my attitude, but remain neutral, the compassion book tells me, i should work to change my caught up self absorbed ways, but stay relaxed in the process... my walk this morning is a little non-attentive, i tried to see, but didn’t engage with very much that i saw, one cool photo opportunity with a bin full of spent bottles... feel sad, struggling, mournful, at loose ends, unfocused, unable, unwilling... pushback from H on posting a conservative article about wealth tax, she objects to the charged words it uses, rejects it for that reason, well ok, but i think the points it makes are legitimate and considering them a part of responsible assessment... families and kids day today... P in the house... existence equals suffering according to Cioran... we are all walking deaths on their way to becoming, this is the greatest point of suffering, that what we are will cease to be some moment of some day, we try hard to ignore this fact...
October 21, 2019
5:11 AM - 19 Dewindt St.
... Chas pacing round and round, circumambulating, not to meditate, but to avoid pain, this is not a bad episode, but it is an episode after 36 hours of no episode, and he threw up, don’t think he threw up his pain pill, hope he didn’t, no evidence of it, can’t offer him another one, just hoping he didn’t... it is dispiriting, unnerving, we were doing very well, and now we are not, don’t know why he threw up, wish he would settle down and be ok, this back issue so frustrating, it seems to have improved, it is slow going... he has stopped now, trying to decide whether to lay down, whether he risk it?, not clear...
9:34 AM - Big Mouth Coffee Roasters
... walked up the Mountain, Pocket Road side, nice walk, beautiful fall colors, mostly yellow... fantasized about S as i was walking... wondered about a critique this morning, of a book and its generally boring pictures, do pictures have to be exciting?, maybe most things that will fall within the camera frame are not that exciting, something Ed Ruscha understood, i make exciting pictures some of the time, mostly i record what i see, what catches my attention, the 52 project, a lot of boring pictures?, i don’t really think so, but people are within their rights to think otherwise... tried to read Cioran, hard to concentrate, hard to read anything but news of the disaster that is America right now, this is exhausting, no further reading seems possible, nothing uplifting...
October 20, 2019