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May 25, 2019
221.0 lbs

May 25, 2019 057 Beacon, NY

May 25, 2019 057 Beacon, NY

8:32 AM - Ella’s Bellas

… the repercussions from my call to D continue to unfold, it is hard to shake from my mind the ranting about liberals, the discomfort i have in making the call in the first place, the pain i feel because of D's treatment of me… i didn’t and still don’t feel deeply, depressingly upset, just angry and powerless to do anything about it, to get D to treat me any better… the feelings of the call, the need to talk about it with H, to review it over and over again in my mind, to rehearse strategies for coping in future, all speak to the depth the hurt goes… a busy weekend with friends, family, is on tap… this morning i will make lima bean hummus, mayonnaise and aioli, curry infused deviled eggs… more yard clean up, drinks by the side of the pool, i will need to get some wine to bring… mom and little girl purchasing and assembling their breakfast, mom giving little girl instructions all along, careful not to drop, careful not to step in little puddle of water on the floor, careful, careful, careful, little girl listening, concentrating, trying to please… communication a marvelous thing… tomorrow, K comes to visit, rocks and sticks on the barbecue, sweet potato salad or H’s German potato salad, no mayo coleslaw… Monday, seafood salad, cold vegetables and aioli, gluten free french bread… Tuesday, 7 hr braised leg of lamb, or some kind of lamb, Persian rice, Brussels sprouts, or something else… come to think of it, i think i will use up the various goat and lamb that i have in one braising operation, probably five hours will do… as i stood on the bridge by Roundhouse and watched the furious energy of the rapids below, i felt my own anger dissipating, an interesting lesson, powerful turbulence within dissipated by powerful turbulence without, the visual stimulus causing a release of sorts…
May 24, 2019
222.4 lbs

May 24, 2019 031 Beacon, NY

8:09 AM - Ella’s Bellas

… echocardiogram complete, now wait for results, seemed to take longer than before, but i don’t have a clear memory of before, technician asked if i had an appointment scheduled to discuss results, i said no, they are going to call me, i wondered if the news was such that an appointment would be more appropriate, let the worry begin… i climbed the stairs to the mountain on my walk, wanted to prove to myself that there was little to nothing wrong with my heart, i climbed all eight flights without stopping, recovered easily, didn’t get out of breath, hard to believe there is anything wrong with a heart that can do that… i forgot to bring my spare battery with me, little power in the camera, not too many pictures as a result… i was thinking, as i was walking, about the conversation H and i had yesterday, about facts not mattering, what people believe mattering, how absolutely true that is, which led me to think about the collapse of public education, the collapse of the way that we get most people on the same page, thinking this might be part of our troubles, that the broadly shared public belief system has weakened, especially belief in the sciences… must remember to send D a gift, call him, i wish i didn’t find it so hard to talk with him, we don’t have much in common, the things we might talk about off limits because we come to blows… busy weekend, friends and family all weekend long, eating, drinking, will have to see if i can get through without running too much amok… i will concentrate on making healthy food for H and me, as much as possible… need to work out the menu for the weekend…
May 23, 2019
220.4 lbs

May 23, 2019 056 Beacon, NY

May 23, 2019 015 Beacon, NY

8:13 AM Ella’s Bellas

… rain last night, more later… echocardiogram today, not too worried about what might be seen, my mantra, the doctors are here to help… too many things going on, it always feels, really it is more about the intruding things, the things that intrude, that mix up the day and prevent the flow that i want… school-marm-librarian-woman walks in, she studies the pastry selection, several times, i wonder what she will choose and how it might alter the course of her day, the shop’s day, the barista’s day, each moment depending on the last, humans the unpredictable element, or not… if conscious mind, even unconscious mind is to any degree unpredictable in its choices, then the universe is a game of probabilities, if not, then all is predetermined and if one had a computer powerful enough, one might be able to predict what is next, but would that computer have to be outside the system it is predicting to be accurate, reliable, we seem to have some degree of accuracy in our ability to predict consequences and act accordingly, that is our ability, living beings ability, they can to some degree predict the future… a young woman walks out from behind the counter with a tower of items in plastic boxes and i think that i could never have gotten from wherever she came to the refrigerator, opened it, placed the containers in the refrigerator, without the lot of them tumbling to the floor, it was a feat of daring thrillingly accomplished… M walks by with cases of almond milk, or something like that, to put in the back refrigerators, a lot of moving supplies from one place to another this morning… wondering what to make for my sister and her friends on Monday, something light, easy, already ready… A and girlfriend are here, sitting together on the bench, food just delivered… a whaling kind of music playing, Rye Cooder like… i am zeroing in on a seafood salad to make for J and friends when they come on Monday, simple, light, some bread, some wine and they… i am trying to wrap my head around the transgender pronoun "they," i resisted at first because it felt like the royal we to me, a bit arrogant, but then i met and interacted with a transgender they, biologically she, presenting as a he, so yah, they, such an interesting space, transgendered space, gender fluidity, profound loosening of bearings to interact with it, heterosexuality questioned, openness to experience of the different… A seems to be the talker in her relationship, her partner silent, or softly spoken, i overhear the one, not the other… 
May 22, 2019
221.0 lbs

May 22, 2019 029 Beacon, NY

May 22, 2019 022 Beacon, NY

May 22, 2019 020 Beacon, NY

8:17 AM - Ella’s Bellas

… another gorgeous day, chilly to the point of needing a vest jacket, on top of flannel shirt, on top of lightweight long sleeved shirt… feeling a little weird, tingling across my back just under the shoulder blades, which has been a long standing sensation, slight feeling of out of breath, but having no trouble walking up hills, itchy and sometimes runny nose, allergies, wet, wet spring… SCREAMING music is going, not too loud, but insistent, probably means J is in charge of the music… new writer’s group, published authors, younger than me, different life styles than mine, happy to part of it, happy to have new perspectives… K coming to look at my work this afternoon… yard work this afternoon… text from J, the address i asked for, she has just landed in Newark, beautiful day to arrive in the city… will be seeing her Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then she is off to Naples to visit M&D, i will do that late in the summer… J swings by and picks up my empty plate and butter dish… giving my sister navigation instructions to find bus into city… my head feels congested… a news flash about an IRS memo in the works that would allow president to assert executive privilege over tax returns, is this an appropriate use of executive privilege… E stops by for a chat, nice young woman, she says hi to H as she leaves, i am embarrassed because i don’t remember her husbands name to return the familiarity… a thanks from J who must have found her way to a bus by now… E will stop by to see the work some time in next week or two, getting some additional mileage out of keeping things up…
May 21, 2019
222.0 lbs

May 21, 2019 026 Beacon, NY

May 21, 2019 017 Beacon, NY

May 21, 2019 005 Beacon, NY

May 21, 2019 004 Beacon, NY

8:11 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters

… H irritated me this morning, last night too now that i think about it, she doesn’t think about the cat’s food being exposed and Chas eager to eat it, she lets the dog down long before she is going to come down, she doesn’t make sure he can’t sneak down at night, these are things i think about to the point that i wake up in the middle of the night when i hear Chas leaving the bedroom, i tell her that Chas is trying to go downstairs, either to pee or eat the cat food, probably both… Lojong this morning, drive all blames into one, essentially, don’t blame, don’t scapegoat, resist the urge, it causes suffering both in self and others… i think about this relative to my irritation with H this morning, she’s not doing it right, not doing it how i would do it, not thinking about it and causing me to have to at moments that i want to think about other things, she was irritated with me for being irritated, as i walked i churned over it, churned about what i view as her lack of consideration, churned about what seems like her carelessness and not caring, i wondered if i should stop caring, just let the dog get the food, i thought i shouldn’t, i thought i should solve the problem in a way that doesn’t require persistent awareness, i come to the conclusion that for the moment, until we get the ant problem solved, the cat will have to eat on the dining room table, away from dog, away, hopefully, from ants… i sold another photograph to EB, which i thought i would, i am expecting more sales as well, not sure how much in the end, three people who definitely want to buy something, another one or two as maybes… a barista i haven’t seen before at the helm, lots of tats on her arms and elsewhere, i assume… cool, clear, almost chilly today, i need to get out and do some yard maintenance… two different streams in photographic art, the artist who uses photography as a means to the end of expression, and the artists for whom the medium is the end of expression, and then this tendency to make imagery unique, to use a process where the hand and judgement intervene such that no two copies will be the same, or the limitation of copies to a number that generates a level of rarity and values…
May 20, 2019
221.8 lbs

May 20, 2019 033 Beacon, NY

May 20, 2019 029 Beacon, NY

May 20, 2019 014 Beacon, NY

8:12 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters

… postpartum blues, a little bit, successful enough OS… thinking about numerous things as i walked, abortion, H asked me to weigh in, that women need to hear and see me support them, i am hesitant, because i have conflicted feelings, i have been through one, in the midst of an unhappy marriage, the unhappiness of the marriage  made it seem necessary, why bring child into world when we struggle so much together… hard not to think sometimes that we took the easier way out (no way forward would be easy), i can’t completely convince myself that we didn’t do the convenient thing… i believe in the sacred, not in a traditional religious sense, but in a broad, sacred is a holding apart from violation sense, i tend to believe that we should hold as much of what is around us apart from violation as possible… i brought up my experience of rabidly antiabortion friends, to the point of getting arrested protesting clinics, and how surprised i was to find out… i related this to a friend who said simply, i am pretty sure abortion is violence, and subsequently i have come to view my own encounter with it as one in which there was violence all around, violence to the fetus, violence to my then wife, violence to me, and because when we are traumatized our trauma gets experienced in large and small ways by those we encounter, it’s violence all around… with that in mind, my stance becomes that a compassionate, sacred response is a response that minimizes violence, that maintains the sacredness of as much as possible… i believe in a woman’s right to choose is basic and sacred under any circumstance i can think of… i adamantly reject the idea that a woman made pregnant by rape or incest should be forced to carry the baby to full term, an incalculable violation of, and violence against that woman… that women should have the choice of abortion available to them when their lives are at risk is a no brainer… but, this idea of as much as possible is held apart from violation, is kept sacred, requires consideration of when the concept of minimal violence tips in favor of the unborn… i still wonder whether we took the easy way out, the convenient way out, or whether we took the path of least violence, the marriage was pretty bad, i can't say… coming from that space i know that what is most important is that a maximum of compassion needs to be exercised… i will need to continue this later, i need to consider other thoughts i had this morning, about my work, about logistics, about whatever…
May 19, 2019
220.6 lbs

May 19, 2019 125 Beacon, NY

May 19, 2019 102 Beacon, NY

May 19, 2019 080 Beacon, NY

8:41 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters

… having a better day, a decent turnout for OS, one purchase with the possibility of another purchase from a friend, we’ll see if they come back… also had an encounter with M, a young man i recommended a recipe to, he told me he really enjoyed it, i recommended he look up the 7hr french braising method, he said he would, i gave him my card and told him to feel free to be in touch about cooking, would be nice to have a male cooking buddy… finally got my roll printer to work properly, it was a matter of settings in the end, as i knew it would be… my work was pretty well received yesterday, happy about that, hope today is as good or better… nice walk this morning, nice thoughts, tiredness hangover, i drank some, but i don’t think it was that… family email complete… have to get going…
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