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April 27, 2019
April 26, 2019
8:36 AM - Ella’s Bellas
… the economy grew at 3.2 percent last quarter, surpassing expectations, says the news notification on my iPad, i am not in favor of this news, i would prefer a downturn as it will make it easier to vote Trump out of office… 220 lbs this morning, achingly close to crossing the line into uncharted territory, slow and steady wins the race… the stunningly pretty African American woman is back, she takes her place in line… a photo drive instead of walk this morning, down 9D to the Bear Mountain Bridge, back up 9W, nice drive, camera ran out of power for the best parts… A is here, hip-pretty-mom too… the crowd is all here today… an article on Huffington Post about who is most likely to die in Game of Thrones this weekend, many will, the question is who will survive… A has a new girlfriend, seen her with her a few times… hip-pretty-mom dressed to impress this morning, in with her daughter, talking to P… more Photography In The Dock, discussion about how canonical figures are created, more realization that it is a system i want to subvert, i just want to make the work and distribute in the way most beneficial to me and those i know, love, appreciate… the idea that every creature needs to make a living in some way, needs to feed itself, needs to keep itself safe, effort, at a fundamental level, is about being a successful creature, this has been channeled most recently through a brutal, capital driven, market system that tends to enslave all those who do not possess the capital or the position of power to control it, but what is to keep us from practicing a subterranean economy of give and take, barter, whatever… nothing i make is about fame and fortune, it is about making, and the something that should come of it is to be determined…
April 25, 2019
8:56 AM - Ella’s Bellas
... i am bummed, i had assumed that it would be easy to upgrade the ram in our iMacs, but i was wrong, it is not, it is possible, but not for the faint of heart, apparently... H off to the city with K to visit E and M, i will be on my own most of the day... i drank last night, i wasn’t supposed to, but i got my copy of Shots mag and discovered none of my images made it in, which makes four submissions and four failures, which has me a little depressed, since getting into these things used to be more frequent, i am wondering if something has changed, if i have changed, if the world has moved on, i don’t know... a thought about speaking in mimes, i don’t think they are at all helpful and we should generally refuse to do it, especially about politics, they are talking points aimed at provocation for the most part, not intended to promote thoughtful dialogue, just agreement... i sometimes wonder if we have entered into a new world that i don’t understand anymore, that i am not relevant to, that the younger folk get, but i don’t...
April 24, 2019
8:28 AM - Ella’s Bellas
... my weight the same two days running, hopeful that i will cross the 220 line, at least temporarily, in the next few days, that would be a great boost to the effort... schoolmarm-librarian-women is here, hair pulled up in a bun, book, drink, studying her phone... a pretty morning, a little chill, a little breezy, reinforcing the chill... J does not have the SCREAM music on today, the music is a little insistent, but not SCREAMING... my new printer and a bunch of goat meat arrive today, something to look forward to, hoping the refurbished printer is really like new, if so, i have acquired almost $2k worth of equipment for $1k... i continue to visualize open studio, i visualize a lot of work to do... more thinking about the commoditization of photographic art, wondering how to be subversive to the system with more satisfying results for me, one thought i have is how much good will i might create by giving photographs away as gifts, thank you, significant occasion, wondering if this would generate gratitude and giving back of some kind, this, i think, is how to subvert the market... it is Wednesday, i had resolved to make my cardiologist appointment this week, i am putting it off, there really isn’t a reason other than fear, a strange thing of the mind, how is this beneficial to survival, why wouldn’t nature favor creatures that distinguish fear generated from within, why wouldn’t we just get on with it as Buddhist thought suggests we should, the reason Buddhism came about perhaps, to deal with this primal irrationality that overwhelms us too often... P walks in and says good morning, sets up at a table across from me, W walks in, the regulars i know... i think about the idea of giving work away, the more i think about it, the more i like the idea, just give it away, at least in certain sizes and configurations, resist the art gallery, museum, industrial complex...
April 23, 2019
7:52 AM - Big Mouth Coffee Roasters
... last night we went to Quinn’s, we haven't been in a long while... S was there, we chatted a bit, J arrived to photograph the show, i was there to try out new camera equipment, I showed up too, friends with troubles we find out, J separating from his wife, I loosing his job, i was glad we were there to breathe in their struggles and breathe out warmth and comfort... sunny and a little wet this morning, late start, photos to edit, two photos I am debating leaving in color or not, color being the reason i made them, one an iridescent stone, the other a rainbow, both look interesting in b&w, both look wonderful in color, shall color photos become like the occasional exclamation point in these writings... the impeachment train seems to be picking up steam, many liberals think it should happen, i think it should happen, even if republicans in the senate won’t convict, someone has to take a stand... i have been thinking about deaf-girl, where she might go for coffee this morning since EB is closed, i wondered if i might see her in here, not so far... a banana and jasmine tea this morning, no sweetener, no bread... a man walks slowly, deliberately, almost arrogantly towards my table then out the back door, blue crewneck sweater, dress shirt poking up over the top, cuffs rolled up, he carries his coffee cup out to the side as if he is worried it will slosh and get on his clothes...
April 22, 2019
8:15 AM - Ella’s Bellas
... gray day, warm, feels like rain... many photographs, getting used to the new camera, versatile, good images, may alter the practice as it is practical to have it with me at all times ...Eastover (Easter + Passover) with M, L and family was nice, lots of good food, B’s mom, brother, brother’s wife who is a striking girl and showing signs of being pregnant, nieces, nephew, good to see everyone ...i worked up the courage to make some people photos, only one or two came out, it’s a beginning, also got a picture of A yesterday, asked him if i could ...deaf-girl is here today, we smiled and waved hello, glanced at each other a few times, it became uncomfortable, she is now sitting at a table across the way from me, i am trying not to look at her ...barista dude is playing 80’s pop, stuff i remember, wondering if this is the music his parents listened to ...deaf-girl got her order to go but then stayed, it’s not clear if she just wanted a to-go cup or if she decided to stay because of our interaction, i don’t know why i think that, big age difference between us, i am committed to H, no possibility of romantic relationship, ego talking, or primal me, his avowed mission is procreation, any attractive to him woman will do...
8:34 - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
… the first thing i see when i log on to wifi is a series of bombings in Sri Lanka, many dead, many injured, there will be more, churches, hotels favored by foreigners the target …world madness continues, a beautiful Sunday morning, Easter… i have been working with the new camera, i am happy, it makes good pictures, is versatile, is something i can have with me at all times… stop for the family email, needed to participate, didn’t last weekend, also needed to write R about his book, sent to me from his death bed, a farewell, remember me book, an inspiring book, i had no idea i would miss him… busy, noisy in here, a toddler is pushing a stool across the concrete floor, mom following him, letting him do it, mom’s friend following too, important to let the toddlers burn energy, explore… just now i am wondering if Artisan wine will be open, if there will be anywhere to get something to bring to L’s… i noticed the farmers market is open, maybe i can get something there… now the toddler is crying, mom is organizing things to go, mom, toddler and friend leave… lojong today, in all activities, train with slogans, advice to remember, slogans in the midst of whatever to ground and center myself… with this journal entry i am deciding not to capitalize anything but proper names, initials, an effort to reinforce the stream of consciousness nature and the idea that no part of the stream is more than another in the cosmic sense because the cosmos is vast and our place in it minuscule…