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February 16, 2019

February 16, 2019 021 Beacon, NY

February 16, 2019 001 Beacon, NY

5:21 AM - Ella’s Bellas
A nice walk on the river trails. Lots of thoughts, the subjects of which I don’t remember. Still feeling tense about yesterday.
We are heading to my cousin’s new house today. There will be others there. Maybe my cousin’s sister, maybe my cousin’s daughter, maybe others.
I promised to bring a Mac and cheese.
The Compassion lesson for today:
“Train Wholeheartedly.”
Basically the same lesson as yesterday.
4:50 AM - My Studio
Weight: 224.4
I went to bed thinking my weight would be up. It was not. I am grateful.
A lousy day yesterday. H promised baked goods for a fundraiser. Her baking did not go as planned. She was in a foul mood.
I take foul moods personally. I know it is from childhood experience. Another iceberg tip.
The foul moods of others make me fearful that there will be an unpleasant explosion at me. I do whatever I can to defuse them. I don’t like explosions.
The whole afternoon was deep in tension. I couldn’t do anything but sit and watch movies.
We delivered the baked goods, then cam home, had dinner, some wine, and watched Roma. She accused it of being pointless. I thought it was a beautiful movie. It felt like she was telling me I was full of crap.
I had a much better day planned. I often have ideas about the way my day should go. A good day is when the universe doesn’t beg to differ.
February 15, 2019

February 15, 2019 010 Beacon, NY

February 15, 2019 008 Beacon, NY

7:23 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
Today’s compassion teaching:
“Don’t vacillate.”
Basically, you must be all in all of the time. Pema Chodron is talking about a compassion practice. I take it in reference to my photography and writing meditative practice. I must be all in all the time. I must wholeheartedly train in these things.
As I walked down Main Street, an African American gentleman with a chin beard. He wore a neon yellow hooded sweatshirt. There was gray in his beard, he stood in the doorway to the mosque. I thought he might be the Imam. As I walked by, he asked me if I was a photographer. Yes, I said. He said he had a story to tell me. I asked him what it was. He told me that he owned a company, NY Grass. You produce and distribute weed? I think to myself. He told me he had fallen on hard times. He told me that he had a job to do in Brooklyn. He told me he had a tilling machine, that he didn’t have a pickup truck, that he had tried to get it onto the train. Oh, you cut grass I think to myself. He said the police stopped him. He said he had left the tilling machine at the station. That was it. 
I don’t know what he was doing in front of the mosque. Maybe waiting for a friend. I expected him to ask for money, but the ask never came. He just wanted to tell me his story. 
I told him I hoped the day got better, then continued on my way.
February 14, 2019

February 14, 2019 006 Beacon, NY

February 14, 2019 005 Beacon, NY

7:33 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
Valentine’s Day. I’ve decided to make popovers filled with French style scrambled eggs for our valentine breakfast.
I have returned to the Pema Chodron Compassion Book. Today’s lesson:
“Don’t misinterpret.”
She says don’t misinterpret the six teachings, patience, yearning, excitement, compassion, priorities, joy. I promise to her and myself that I will do my best not to and correct course when I do.
The teachings are resonant. I find my self yearning, not for enlightenment, but for recognition. 
I am enough, I tell self constantly. Self doesn’t believe it. There must be more, I deserve more, self says.
I tell self, the work won’t be honest if we make it for anyone but ourselves. 
I tell self, we must make the work without expectations. Making the work is enough.
In other news, I have noticed a change in the way my body feels. A sense of wellness. I attribute this to weight loss, less alcohol consumption, and the new probiotics I am taking.
February 13, 2019

February 13, 2019 024 Beacon, NY

February 13, 2019 010 Beacon, NY

8:24 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
I continue to be anxious about the mention I made of my parents a while back. Worried they will be angry about it.
I am anxious about the two spots on my chest which are probably transient nothing.
I am anxious that I have not had an annual exam in two years.
H told me she had a bad dream about me. I told her that with all this anxiousness floating in and around me, I didn’t want to hear the details. I am afraid I will take it as an ill omen and melt down into a puddle of anxiety.
February 12, 2019

February 12, 2019 050 Beacon, NY

February 12, 2019 023 Beacon, NY

7:37 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
Weight: 226 lbs
Up 3.8 pounds. How is that possible? Did I forget my blood pressure meds yesterday? No. Water weight for sure, but 3.8 lbs? Maybe yesterday’s weigh-in was inaccurate? I don’t know.
An interesting moment with the Barista. As I get to know her I find myself more physically attracted to her than I have been. Does familiarity make physical appearance less important, or does it make a person seem more available?
This morning I photographed a wall tile that said, USA, Jesus loves us best! I wondered if it was serious. I realized it probably was. Who would tile their walls with such a thing? I can’t look at it without laughing. 
The universe “chooses” you if the right set of characteristics comes together at a propitious moment in space and time. It’s a transient set of circumstances in all cases. The vast majority of species have gone extinct over time, their characteristics no longer suitable to their place and time. There is no reason the same won’t be true of humanity.
This morning I looked up my web page Analytics. One hit from North Naples Florida. My parents live there. My anxiety level rises as I realize they may have looked at a page on which I wrote briefly, innocuously to me, about them. I have risked their anger doing this. I become defiant. Let them challenge me on it. I am tired of places within my landscape that I can’t name because it would make someone angry. I have to at least be able to name the tips of icebergs if not the entire iceberg. I need to map them in my territory.
February 10, 2019

February 10, 2019 032 Beacon, NY

February 10, 2019 019 Beacon, NY

5:09 AM - My Studio
I woke up at 4:00 AM, mildly aroused. I touched myself and fantasized for a bit. I will not go back to sleep so I get up thinking I will touch some more but the order of the morning takes over. There is coffee to set up which involves cleaning the French press, grinding beans and filling the tea kettle with water. It’s Sunday morning, Augie’s meds must be set up for the week, then mine. By the time this is done, I have lost interest in touching.
As I write these words I am wondering if I will have the courage to make them part of my 52 project. That is, put them out in public. I think to myself, why shouldn’t I? The answer is that we don’t talk openly, in public, about such things. We all know, assume, that many, perhaps most of us, do it, but these are private things. Social decorum has us not mentioning it.
But we live in an age of celebrity sex videos. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian.
By comparison, admitting that I touch myself is, or should be, a big yawn.
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