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February 01, 2019
February 01, 2019 033 Beacon, NY
February 01, 2019 007 Beacon, NY
7:50 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
I re-edited my words about the dangling feet photograph. I confessed to the erotic feelings elicited by the photograph. I just can't beat around the bush about such things. I am convinced that what I put here should be as true and honest as possible. Of course, some things don't need to be said and there are many things I don't say. Maybe my thoughts on the feet should be counted as such, but my instinct is that I should present those thoughts, disturbing as they may seem. I don't believe I am the only one that has disturbing thoughts.
Should I be worried about them? I don't think so. Thought and action are two different things. Knowing what should remain as thought and allowed to float through observed, but not acted on, is key.
January 31, 2019
January 31, 2019 035 Beacon, NY
January 31, 2019 016 Beacon, NY
7:43 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
I am having a conversation with myself about whether I should have posted about the dangling legs on the cover of How We See. I am afraid that I will be misunderstood. As I have this conversation with myself, I remember a time when I was a young boy and I came across or made a noose in the basement of our house. I tied it to a beam and played at hanging myself. I lowered my body enough to feel it tighten around my neck. I did not want to die, I wanted to know what dying felt like, what the noose felt like. My parents would have been horrified. Kids do stupid things out of curiosity.
I am hesitant to write these things. Is being honest about my thoughts and experiences art?
January 30, 2019
January 30, 2019 010 Beacon, NY
January 30, 2019 002 Beacon, NY
8:14 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
Beautiful snowy-aftermath day. I ask the barista if her landlady is getting with the program. She says no. She was asked to park at the top of the hill (and walk down to her house?). Landlady apparently wants to save money on snow removal.
I have no idea what the top of the hill is in reference to the house she lives in. I assume there is a long approach driveway and being asked to walk is not reasonable.
I look at an image on the cover of How We See, Photography Books by Women. Legs, from the knees down, dangling limply. I read them as female and attached to a corpse hung by the neck. I imagine the woman to be young and pretty. I find it erotic. That reaction concerns me. What will people think if they know? Am I a bad person to react the way I do? Am I a misogynist? The photograph is ambiguous. I could look at it another way. Maybe it has nothing to do with the violent death of a woman. Maybe she is jumping for joy. Still, I have to contend with where my mind first goes.
January 29, 2019
January 29, 2019 026 Beacon, NY
January 29, 2019 021 Beacon, NY
2:54 PM - My Studio
Feeling depressed, aimless, unaccomplished, unable to execute. I don't know why.
7:48 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
A sense of frustration, disappointment, perhaps anxiety. A sense of wandering aimlessly, without focus. A sense of the cold-front edge of a depression.
I open my Kindle. Words are my Matter is cued up. I am looking for inspiration or perhaps some kind of existential relief. It comes almost immediately. Le Guin talks about how the everyday ordinary is rarely written into fiction these days. It isn't easy to do she says. She admires the novel she is reviewing for being able to do it. I think about this project. The 52 project. Images, words, I am trying to be no more than everyday ordinary, except I hope someone realizes one day that it adds up to more than that. That is what I keep believing about it. That is the reason to do it.
After reading the review I realize I have seen a movie made of the book. Our Souls at Night. I download it. I add it to the long cue of books that I hope will inspire me. I add it to the long cue of books within which I am hoping to find the answer to the question, what does it all mean?
January 28, 2019
Jauary 28, 2019 058 Beacon, NY
Jauary 28, 2019 013 Beacon, NY
8:07 AM - Ella's Bellas
Feeling quiet and soulful today. Thinking through the nature of my photographs. Thinking through the nature of my 52 project. I wonder sometimes, maybe I have good ideas but just fall short in executing them well. Maybe I will always fall short. And there it is again. The sadness that I work so hard at it and so few people see or care about it. Or so it seems to me. And then I tell myself for the one thousandth time, make the work, something will come of it. So I keep making.
This morning I read about the book In Search of the Canary Tree. I read about it on Brain Pickings. Maria Popova highlights the Native American incredulity at the idea of National Parks. The idea of setting bits of nature apart as sacred and going on with the rape of everything else. It doesn't make sense to them. And, of course, when you think of yourself as deeply enmeshed in nature, it doesn't make sense.
January 27, 2019
January 27, 2019 036 Beacon, NY
January 27, 2019 022 Beacon, NY
8:31 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
Last night a movie with friends. Lucky, one of the last screen appearances Harry Dean Stanton made. Fabulous movie. I will watch it again. I can't believe it came and went without my knowing anything about it.
Rubie-cat was very playful this morning. He is settling in nicely.
My weight is down today and generally trending down. Smiley face.
I wish I had something interesting to say. Not today.